Thursday, June 23, 2011

Coming Back

Yep, I'm gearing up to compete again! You can get up to speed and check my progress on my Craig Productions blog. Just over 13 weeks until the Washington Ironman at the Snoqualmie Casino on September 24th!

After my less than stellar appearance at the 2010 Emerald Cup and the constant replay in my head of..."Oh my God, did I really let myself get on stage like that?" I was desperate for another chance but my body wanted no part of it. And thank God! I would have, again, been doing it for all the wrong reasons. For months I beat myself up for all the "wrong" things I did for the show. Every time I looked in the mirror was another painful reminder of my "stupidity" which essentially was me not listening to myself, listening to my gut and doing what it was I really wanted to do...BAIL!

"There are no failures - only experiences and your reactions to them." Tom Krause

Since last winter when I decided to open my own gym, competition wasn't even a thought. In fact, I remember Dave and I having a conversation that it may be years before I competed again...I wondered if I would ever want to do it again. But what I have found is that when I don't pressure myself into it because I "have to", because competing is "what I do", it looks much, much different. I have vacillated on this decision for months. I'd decide to do it and then found myself justifying my reasons to others, only to hear..."Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" It was true, I was trying to convince myself.

After taking last place two competitions in a row, my ego was pretty well bruised. Not because I care what other people think or that I felt like last place was "losing" but because I failed myself. I did far less than my best and the results I got were equal to the effort I gave. I can't even stand to look at the pictures. I've learned in competing that it doesn't matter to me so much what place I take but that I stepped on that stage in the best condition I've EVER been in. Each contest should be an opportunity to be better than the one before...progress and improvement. 2010 was a huge step backwards and it did not feel good...but the lessons that came as a result were worth the price. Learned that lesson - moving on!!

So what does that mean this time around? Well, I'm no longer living in a marriage that suffocates me, I'm no longer dealing with constant power plays from my boss (although I admit, sometimes I do get a little bossy with my own self) and I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone...not even myself. I know what I'm capable of doing...been there before. I know if I want it bad enough I can do it. I'm doing this for ME because I like it...a lot. I'm doing this in hopes to inspire other women who think they're too old, too busy, had too many kids...whatever the excuse...that it is never too "anything" to go after what you want, competition or whatever it is you think you can't have because of your life's circumstances. Mostly, to lead by example. I work with women all day long and tell them how to eat, how to train, that it's so important that they take time to take care of themselves...and I'm not even taking the time to do it for myself.

This morning's cardio session at 4am was really tough. I was dragging. After being up from 2:45-3:30 changing bedding for the twins and having a little insomnia the two nights before I am really tired and dragging. Only 2 minutes into my cardio and I was thinking..."there's no way I'm going to make 45 way." But I did, because once I decide what I'm going to do I do it. It sucked and I was tired the whole time. Most people don't like hard. When it gets hard we want to quit. Take the easy way. When the going gets tough, you have to get tougher. If you want it, make no excuses.

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