I'm coming up on 2 years since I told my husband I wanted a divorce. It's a little bit crazy that it has been 2 years. The memory is so distant now and it's hard for me to recall exactly how painful those moments are without really trying hard to remember. I have no regrets and I don't place any blame. I know what I did was the right thing for me and my children. The only thing I ever wonder (and I try not to wonder very often) is what my life would be like had I not faced my fears and taken an enormous leap of faith to take control of my life.
I was reading back through my blog posts from June and July of 2009 and realized I have made all the dreams come true for me and the kids that I set out to. I am literally living my dream, doing exactly what makes me happiest in life. As I realized this, it became very clear that we are the only ones who can make us happy. We are in complete control of our happiness or lack thereof. No one else. The choices we make every day, what we decide to settle for and live with...it's all up to us.
The day I told my husband I wanted a divorce was not the day I had planned to tell him. I'd thought everything out very carefully. It was Memorial Day weekend 2009 and my friends/support system were all out of town for the weekend, so I was planning to tell my husband the following weekend. I was meeting with my attorney that Tuesday to file paperwork and then have my husband served. It was a horrible feeling, but I was very nervous about how he would react so I didn't feel I had any other option. Well, Saturday of Memorial Day weekend as I hopped in my Suburban to make a "sanity trip" to Target he came out to the driveway and asked me to get out of the car. "What is wrong?" I had no choice. I had to tell him right then and there and I was not prepared. I will leave out the details that followed, but the point I'm trying to make is...I was stalling out of fear. My "plan" was made out of fear and was not the best plan for telling your spouse that it's over and done and there's nothing that will change it. In the end, it all worked out as it was supposed to, really.
Since that time, I've faced a lot of fears and have made "feel the fear and do it anyway" my mantra in life. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but if I allow myself to be frozen in fear, I'll never make anything happen the way I want it to...all the good things I want in life I'd never have if I let my fears control me. It's a good reminder - to remind myself of times I've feared doing something but done it anyway - and been so much better off as a result.
I look back at those old posts and realize I was so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. When I felt like I was completely falling apart I was actually very much together and continuously moving forward. And while life circumstances often change friendships, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful group of supportive family and friends who are always by my side reminding me that I CAN DO IT!
Feel the fear and do it anyway!!