I'm having a hard time coming up with the words I want to write. Usually it just flows out of me, but right now, not so much. I've realized that, in hindsight, I probably should have opted not to compete in Vancouver and Emerald Cup this year. My heart wasn't in it...back to my conversation with Butch in February when I decided to bag the shows...ever since then I don't think I gave it 100%.
I resisted my desire to do other things that I felt were calling on my attention. I think as the days and weeks went by I grew resentful that I wasn't doing what my heart really desired to be doing. There are definitely things I put on hold that are still here waiting for me and that's not a big deal. But, there are some things that I let pass me by because I made the choice to compete even when I probably should have put it on hold.
Now I look at pictures and am upset with myself because I didn't look the way I wanted to look and the way I could have and should have looked. I am very capable of dialing in and leaning out way more than I did. I'm just not in that place anymore where I can devote so much of my time and energy to dieting and cardio. I LOVE to train. I LOVE to lift. And there was definitely a time when I LOVED being on a diet because it isolated me from other people...or rather, another person. Now, I hate the diet because I want to eat dinner with my kids and I can't. I hate it because it isolates me from my friends who have started calling me "Lame Diet Girl".
Am I disappointed in the competition? No. It was an absolutely amazing experience and a time of great personal growth. Am I disappointed in myself? Yes. I know I can do better and I chose not to. My heart wasn't in it and I should have backed out. But...everything happens for a reason and had I not done the competitions I would not have learned so many things about myself...who I am and what I want and what's important to me. I can tell you that winning is not as important to me as I once thought it was. I have found value in the "journey" that far outweighs the value in winning.
I learned that while I thought I was strong, I am even stronger than I realized. It has been a great time for me to reflect on everything that has happened and changed for me in the last year. It has helped me realize my true power and potential and I have no regrets. I am so excited for what life has in store these next few months.
I love that today I get to choose...do I want to workout? Or not? I love that tonight I can enjoy dinner with my kids and we can all eat the same thing. I love that cottage cheese is no longer a forbidden food and that I can use Coconut creamer in my coffee in the morning and it's OKAY!!! And mostly, I love that I am craving balance in my life!