Sunday, February 14, 2010

I'm just not over it.

It's been a rough weekend. I guess this whole Valentine's Day thing really got to me after all. I don't think it has helped with people reminding me by saying things like: "So, how ya doin' with this whole Valentine's Day thing this year? Are you depressed?" Well, I wasn't until you reminded me that maybe I have a reason to be.

For the last few months I've really felt like I'm ready to leave the past behind and move on. And then a day like today comes and I can't stop crying about the past and I realize, I'm just not over it yet. I don't know when I will be. I think there is a whole lot more processing and healing that I need to do before I'm really "over it." In fact, I think today I decided that I need to get professional counseling. I can't stop crying and I can't stop beating myself up for making a really, really bad decision. I can't stop beating myself up for being so damn stupid. And I have to find a way to let it go and to forgive myself and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need some help with that.

I had zero motivation to train today. I just wanted to crawl under the, wait, I actually wanted to hop on a plane to some remote island in the Caribbean, leaving my children and my life far behind. That's bad, huh? It's true and I'm pretty sure that other mothers have felt the same way, whether they will admit it or not. I'm not perfect and today I would say I'm a pretty shitty mother. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get over that one.

Starting my days at 3:30am (and sleeping in until 4:30 on Saturdays) is starting to take its toll. When I'm not at work, I'm at home working, doing laundry, studying, cleaning the house, taking care of the kids. I really don't have any downtime. I even went so far today as to consider bagging both of my planned spring competitions. It's a day where I just feel like I'm overwhelmed and don't have it in me. The gym was my only break from the kids today, so I went even though I felt like crawling in bed with a bag of plain M&Ms (which, thank God, are not in my house otherwise I might just have done that!) I sucked it up and trekked off to the gym.

It felt like July again - I couldn't get through a set without crying. It really, really sucked. But, as I loaded the plates (the 45's, of course) it made me feel strong and I had a little discussion with myself and I put all my negative energy into moving that iron. Sometimes I get sick of people telling me how strong (mentally, emotionally) I am. Sometimes I don't want to be strong and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But that's not an option and I know it. Fortunately, I was in the right place where it's easy for me to be reminded that I *AM* strong - physically, mentally and emotionally. We all have our moments of weakness, but the true test is in how we handle those moments of weakness and how we recover from them.

I'm thankful that I have my sport that keeps me focused on something positive and helps me feel strong when I feel at my weakest. I'm glad that it can help me redirect my negative energy. I'm still not in a great place today, but I know that I will find a way to deal with what I'm going through and I'll find a way to make it all work out. And I hope that tomorrow I will be ready to wash my hair again, shave my legs again and maybe, just maybe I'll find my lost cape. I hate when I lose my cape!

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