Saturday, February 20, 2010

Coming Clean

I have been debating for the last hour or so if I should post this blog here or on my blog on Craig Productions. I may copy it there, too, but for now I decided it was too gory and graphic to expose to the masses of physique competitors who might read it and start salivating, possibly triggering a competition diet catastrophe!

I've been really struggling lately with life, in general, but also with my competition journey. I've been questioning myself a lot and I have had zero faith in the "process" and in my body to do what it knows to do. I've been overtraining, undereating and not resting nearly enough. All of that is recipe for overwhelm and disaster. I sent out an S.O.S. to my friend, Butch the other night and yesterday he stopped by to, once again, be my sounding board. He posed the question that I've been asking myself: "why don't you bag the show? It's kind of obvious that things just aren't lining up for you to do this show. You don't have to compete. You won't be a quitter. Everybody knows you have so much on your plate. Pick a different show."

It was great - the permission I had been looking for. I've been neglecting myself lately, not taking care of myself and so this permission was the perfect excuse to...EAT! Damn it, I want food and I want "fun" food. So eat, I did! Pizza. Ben & Jerry's Black Magic Brownie ice cream - half the pint! Appleton Rum & Diet Coke - LOTS of rum! Plain Easter M&Ms. I mean, really, when you've gotten off track, you might as well just trip on out into the I did, after all, I'm not competing. I went to bed sad and mad and I didn't wake up in much better shape. Depressed and scared to look at myself in the mirror for fear I'd become soft and flabby all over. But fortunately, I wasn't soft and flabby all over.

I had agreed to help Elaine with the posing seminar she was putting on at Gold's and I was dreading it. I didn't want to go. After all, I wasn't going to compete. I caught Elaine at the front desk when she came in. Elaine is one of those people that just radiates all things positive and good. Just her smile makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And it helped that she said I could wear my pants and long sleeves - cool, I wouldn't have to share my "fat suit" with all these girls. And then it happened (as I predicted it might), the energy from being with all these girls, getting ready for competition, it takes you over. It inspires. I realized, I wasn't as off the mark as I thought I was. The way I see myself isn't exactly accurate. I realized how much my physique has changed since I started competing and I realized...I need to do this. I want to do this.

A year ago, I was prepping for this same show in Vancouver. My husband, whenever he would get upset with me or find reason to use something against me would threaten me by saying he wasn't going to come watch me compete. It was a frequent dialog between us and while I didn't really care if he went or not, it bothered me that he was using it to get what he wanted from me.

For me, the glory comes in the moment I stand on stage and I can look back at the last couple of months and realize what I went through to get to the stage. This year, it's even bigger. When I stand on stage in Vancouver I will look back over the last year and realize that I made it through the most challenging year of my entire life and I MADE it. I made it and I survived it and I GREW! I grew the physique that I've been working so hard to grow. It's still a work in progress, but it's so much closer than it was. All the consistent, hard training, all the dieting - in surplus and in deficit - will lead me to that one moment on stage where I can look back and see that I made it. I really made it! I'm stronger than I thought I was.

And because I know that's how I will feel in the moment when I stand on stage, I will do it. Because I know that my body knows exactly what to do to get in contest shape, I will do it. Because I love the positive and inspirational people that I always meet along the road to competition, I will do it. Because I am a champion, because it fills me up, I will do it and I will do it to WIN. And no matter what place I take on stage, in my own mind, I will have won.

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