Saying Goodbye to a Dream

It's a bittersweet day today. On June 2nd, 2009 I filed for divorce. A big, huge, incredibly scary move. I've procrastinated on making some pretty huge decisions pertaining to our settlement until it got down to the wire. I think, overall, we did what was best for our children. Our settlement is not a "conventional" divorce settlement, but I believe, in the end, it will serve all of us best.

I didn't expect to be as sad as I am. After all, it's been 6 months. But truth be told, I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that I was never enough for him...at least not until it was too late. I was so ready to have someone take care of me and provide my daughter with the "family" I thought she deserved, but what I didn't realize is that I was family enough. We (Natalie and me) were already whole and we didn't need a man to make our family complete. But for some reason, I felt like we did and so, I settled for someone who wasn't ready to be a husband or a stepdad.

I can't tell you how many times I reach for my ring finger to twiddle my ring around my finger like I used to do when I was married...and there's nothing there. I won't lie...I look at the rings on the fingers of my clients and sometimes I wish I still could wear mine. Sometimes I feel like I am somehow "damaged" because I no longer wear mine. But it's just a "thing" and there were many things that ring symbolized that were just wrong. It's a strange feeling: to miss something but not want it back in any way. And knowing that those beautiful diamonds are NOT a symbol of happiness. I can't really describe it fully. At times it feels like you're wearing the Scarlet Letter. Unless you've been through it, you probably can't understand.

As lonely as I feel at times, I don't feel like I need someone to be complete. My kids and I are happy right now and I believe in my heart that when I'm ready the right person will come along. And I don't feel lonely right now, it's not what is making me sad - I guess you could say I am just grieving the loss of the dream, of what I thought my life was going to be and remembering the pain that came from the fact that nothing I could do was ever good enough for him.

I thought when this was over I would be relieved, but instead I feel a pain deep in my heart that probably only time will heal. With all my heart I believe that this will get easier with each passing day.

"For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life." Joyce Brothers