Saturday, January 23, 2010

I Always Knew

I was driving to pick up my girls from preschool yesterday afternoon - a path I drove a lot last summer when taking my son to day camp - and it dawned on me that I don't cry that much anymore. It seemed that not a day went by last summer that I didn't cry. And I'm not talking a few little weepy tears. I'm talking about curled-up-in-a-ball-on-the-laundry-room-floor tears (and sometimes the kitchen floor would do too).

I remembered that even in those moments of gut-wrenching tears I knew that someday I would be happy again. I knew the feelings I was feeling, the devastation I was feeling, was only a temporary thing. I knew there was light even when I couldn't see it. I guess that's what they call "having faith."

Certainly I still have my moments or my days when waves of emotion overcome me, but I'm much better at working through them now. I also know that now, they are only passing moments, whereas before it was constant, for days on end. Unbearable. It's really true what they say...divorce is like a death. You grieve and your heart aches like you never thought possible. And, like death, the only way to move beyond it is with the passage of time.

I'm also learning to trust myself. I can't even say "again" because I don't believe I have ever truly trusted myself, my inner voice, my intuition...whatever you feel like calling it. I've been quick to say, both silently and aloud, "I make bad decisions. I do really stupid things." That's really gotten me nowhere, except feeling really lousy about myself. Gone are those days. I know that there will be many times ahead that I will doubt myself again and not be ready to trust. But I am making a big effort to start listening to myself, being more in the moment and seeing red flags and warning signs when they present themselves.

Mistakes in life aren't necessarily a bad thing. I've certainly learned more than I ever thought possible from my mistakes. That's part of what makes me "okay" with my mistakes...I've learned and I'm taking what I've learned and moving on.

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