Saturday, December 19, 2009


I haven't blogged in awhile. Haven't felt like it, really. I've been dealing with a bunch of stuff lately and just felt like keeping to myself for awhile, "holing up", if you will. I'm still kind of in a funk, having a tough time, but today there are a few things on my mind that I wanted to write here I am! This post is really "topic-less", so excuse the randomness.

I love my job. Really, really love it. I've decided that among other things, I like it because it's a vacation from my reality. I make each client in front of me my focus for that hour. My goal is to make that hour completely about them and the best hour of their day. That's what they're paying for. It's a win-win. The client gets what they're after and I get to escape my problems for awhile.

On the other hand, it sucks a little because as soon as I get in my car and drive away from the gym my guard lets down and the tears start to flow and I can't control it. It's good, that I'm able to step away from my drama, but it will be really good when the drama is a thing of the past.

I've found in this phase of my life that some people come, some people go and some people are still there for me regardless. I know that in some respects I've isolated myself and I'm okay with that right now. I'm doing what I need to do for me and my kids and I'm just trying to survive right now. The early mornings, the long days, the weight of the's all just really heavy.

I talked to Dave yesterday for the first time in a long time. It was comforting. I don't know if I can describe exactly how I felt when I hung up the phone and for the rest of the day. Calm. A sigh of relief. Whatever the feeling is called when you know that someone genuinely cares about you and your well being. The "familiar" brings great peace in times of chaos and stress. That's what talking to Dave did for me yesterday.

And then today I arrived home from work to find a package from my friend Shaney. I knew she was sending me a velour tracksuit and I was super excited to get it. I opened the package and saw a bunch of stuff on the top that was not expected. I started pulling items out one by one...and the tears came. A pleasant surprise on a rough day. A generous gesture that absolutely made my day, made my week. It is wonderful to have friends who know just what you need (not the clothes, but the gesture of kindness).

I went to Gold's to do cardio today after work. Just cardio. Not feeling up to doing any lifting today. After waking up at 3:30am all week and 4:30 today, I'm pretty drained. And with all the additional life stress on top of that, I just didn't have it in me to do anything besides cardio. I didn't do it because I needed to or felt like I had to, I did it because I like the way it makes me feel. I like that I can work off my pent up frustrations and stresses and aggressions and sweat it out. It's sort of cleansing.

As I was doing my cardio and really feeling like I was working off some aggression I thought about a client I train. When I was training her today I was noticing her face as she pushed thru some heavy sets or worked thru a tough cardio interval. I realized that she is a lot like me in the way that she uses exercise to work off her aggressions. I think a lot of us do. As I watched her I wondered: "what is it in her life that is stressing her out? What's the anger that's driving her, what is the source of her determination?" I could see it in her eyes. That same fire that I know is in mine. The focus, the determination to overcome something that you see as an obstacle.

This client is inspirational. She has lost 75lbs and is continuing to lose. She is focused and driven and she will meet her goals. I love that I am able to work with people like this. They inspire me and motivate me and further my passion for the "fit life". They inspire me to stay focused on removing any obstacles that stand in my way. People like this inspire me to continue on the path I've chosen. As hard as it is right now, I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I know that I will be happier in the end.

"I've discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude."

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