We are making big progress on the legal side of things concerning the divorce. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It is draining on every level and it's so incredibly painful. I find myself sneaking in little crying sessions several times a day, pretty much anytime I'm alone...in the bathroom, in the car, before I fall asleep at night. There are a lot of things about being married that I miss, but I know that mostly what that feeling is about is the "picture perfect family" that we really didn't have anyway.
I was in a store today that had Christmas music playing, decorations on display. I cried and I thought about the traditions that are now a thing of the past. I caught myself, though. This is not a time to be sad, this is an opportunity for me to create new traditions with my children that they will cherish forever. They may not be the same traditions that my married friends are able to create, but they will be special for us and they will be ours.
I know this holiday season will not be easy for me. I am prepared for what lies ahead in the next weeks. But I know I'll get through it and again, I'll be stronger for it. I feel like I have finally reached a place where I can deal with the sadness because I can see beyond it and I know that getting to the "beyond" is through the pain.
I've had a lot of memories come forward the last week or so. I realize now that some time has passed and I'm not as grief-stricken about this that it takes a TON of strength to do what I've done. I see and talk to women everyday who are unhappily married with no intention of ever doing anything about it. I understand that. It's definitely the road less traveled that I am on. I just know that at the end of my life, I want to say that I lived a happy life with a partner who treasured me and loved me completely. I wouldn't have done that with this marriage. I know I will find that partner. I know that happiness awaits me. I don't know who or where or when, but I have faith and I believe.