Sunday, November 1, 2009

Avoidance Tactics

As the competition gets closer, the reality of the "after-life" comes into full color. I have enjoyed a nice mental break these last 4 weeks while I have been contest prepping. I think I needed the break from my reality.

I put my divorce on the back burner. I have tried not to think about the fact that, financially, my life is in total shambles and I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes I've thought that maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. That maybe, just maybe, I should be like many other people in the world and just suck it up and stay in a life that made me completely that my kids could stay in the only home they know. But my SELF tells me that is not the right thing to do. That is not true to myself and it is not the right thing to show my children.

I am scared to death. I don't know what the future holds for me or my kids and it is terrifying. It has been a hard weekend for me as I know all this stuff is out there looming, waiting for my competition to come and go so that I can return to deal with it. I guess I can kind of look at this as a sort of "mental vacation."

I always try to find something to learn about myself during each competition process. I think what this one is going to teach me is that I really CAN do anything I put my mind to, even when I think I can't. I'm sure that when it's all said and done I'll reflect back and have more thoughts on what I've learned thru this process. I hope that over the course of the next week I find the courage, the strength and the determination to MAKE IT HAPPEN for me and my kids when next week begins and it's time to face my reality again. I have no choice. I have 4 lives depending on ME, I have to come through for THEM.

It's like the Rascal Flatts song: "I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness."

I'm really hoping that this is where I'll find my strength again, for I feel as though I've been weak now for far too long. I'm ready to be strong and move on.

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