October 2006

I know it's really close to my show and this is a contest-prep blog, but I need to blog about this to get it out of my head. I'm going to leave out most of the details of the exact event I'm referencing just because my intent is not to make my ex look bad. This is not about him, it's about me.

I was out running errands yesterday while the Seahawks game was going on. They got CRUSHED, by the way. I realized that 3 years ago on this same weekend the Hawks were playing the Vikings and Brett and his Minnesota buddy went to the game. His friend, Mike, flew in Friday afternoon and left Monday morning. Great guy, love Mike!

I was really happy when the Vikings pulled off a win here in Seattle, thinking that the guys would come home really happy. Well, they got their happy on, that's for sure. Again, leaving out MANY details and I'm sorry for that, but I believe it's only the respectful thing to do. By the time the guys made it home, several hours after the game ended, things weren't pretty. You know that point some people get to when drinking where they go beyond "happy" and "fun" and down the "mean" road. Yeah, that was the point when they got home.

Keep in mind, my twins are 3 months old and I'm nursing full time, round the clock. Along with tending to my almost 3 year old son. By the time they got home it was pretty late. Things got very ugly, even to the point that the babies became involved and it was very scary. I remember that night feeling extremely sad, thinking..."THIS is my life and I hate it." Trapped. Sad. Scared. Alone. THIS IS MY LIFE.

I didn't sleep that night. And in the morning, "sorry" just didn't cut it. When Mike told me he was "sorry" for me I think it made me even sadder because I knew that he knew that I didn't deserve the treatment I was getting. And I think he could see how sad and scared I was.

I cannot write this without reliving it. I can't write this without crying. As painful as it is for me to look back at these specific times, it also gives validation to what I'm doing and where my life is going now. Reflecting back at moments like this help me realize why I so desperately need the positive feedback from other people in my life, males especially. When someone talks down to you for so long a part of you eventually starts to believe it. I am fortunate to have male friends in my life who are helping me "reprogram" that part of myself that believed all the negative things Brett told me. At some point, I think I'll actually believe what they say and know it is true.