Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Here I Go Again

Today I feel, emotionally, the same way I felt most days this past summer. Except maybe now I don't feel quite as broken and maybe not quite as defeated. Most days I like to think I have, or am going to, at least, triumph in this situation of divorce and single-parenting.

A situation like I had today, a couple months ago, would have sent me reeling, wondering "what have I done?" Did I do the right thing? Never a doubt anymore and I keep having the "gift" of memories or flashbacks to the life I lived that remind me that I am on the right track.

So, today my ex told me "No one wins in divorce. You lose. I lose. The kids lose." I beg to differ, actually. And you, the reader, may not agree with me. Whatever belief system you have may not coincide with me and that's okay. But in THIS divorce, in MY divorce....I WIN!!! Yes, that's right, I WIN. I'm not calling anyone the loser, but I can guarantee you that I have won what I set out to win.

I've won my self-esteem, my self-worth, my confidence, my pride, my individuality, my independence, my dignity and my honor. And because I chose to win these things back for myself, my children also won in the process. My daughter, who was told she was not welcome in HIS house again, wins. I hope that this divorce has taught her that you cannot treat people like that and get away with it.

We all make choices. We chose our words, we chose our actions and, therefore, we chose to live with the results of those words and actions. I do believe in forgiveness, but forgiving does not mean continuing to live in a life that is less than what we were meant to live. Forgiveness does not mean that we don't have to live out the consequences of our actions. Forgiving someone does not mean that you have to continue to let them treat you and your loved ones as less than you deserve.

I do consider this divorce a "win" for me. It took years for me to take a stand and speak up for myself and my children. Unfortunately, the path that I took didn't lead me down the happy road I had hoped, but I forgive myself and I am giving myself and my kids the opportunity to find happiness down another road.

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