Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I Want to WIN!!!

You know, I can say it all I want, you know "I'm just doing this to get up there on stage and say I did it. That with everything else going on in my life I DID IT." But, that's really not what I want.

So why not say it like it is? Why not ask for what you want? I WANT TO WIN. I do. Yeah, I want to get up there and say "See? If I can do it with all this other stuff going on in my life, anyone can do it. You just have to want it bad enough." I'll do that. But at the end of the day, when the rubber meets the road, I want to WIN, dammit!

I guess some people would say you shouldn't go into a competition with that mind-set, that you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Well, heck, even if I don't say it out loud that I want to win, I'll still be disappointed if I don't. So I might as well say it, right? After all, do Olympic athletes trot off to the Olympics hoping to do well? Do they just do it to say they did it? No, they GO FOR THE GOLD. That's what I'm gonna do too!

I have busted my ass over the last few months. Some days it was all I could do just to dry my eyes and get out of the locker room and into the weight room in the gym. Some days I couldn't keep my composure and had to run for the bathroom. Many times I'd start crying in the middle of a set. For weeks I was force feeding myself so I wouldn't keep losing weight on the Divorce Diet. The gym has been my saving grace. The stepmill has given me a place to "work it out", to feel my emotions ALONE (aka: without kids around) and to figure stuff out.

I am proud. I am proud of the physique I carry today. I am proud that I was disciplined and determined. I am grateful to my supportive friends and coach, for without them I would not be doing this. And mostly, I want to win. I want to bring home a trophy for the world to see.

This road has not been easy. It's been blood, sweat and tears both in the gym and in my personal life. But I don't know if taking the easy road would feel nearly as rewarding as the road I chose.

Even if I don't stand center stage with the first place trophy, I will have won what I set out to win. Disappointed, of course, but not discouraged and not any less proud of what has been accomplished.

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