Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Heavy Load

Sometimes I have days where someone will tell me how "amazing" I am and how "strong" I am and it actually makes me feel good. Other times I have days where it makes me want to cry. I get tired of hearing that I am "amazing" and "strong". Literally tired. Exhausted to the point of tears. To the point where I just want someone to come along and take care of me for awhile.

I knew that this road would not be easy and I knew it would be long and I know that my endurance is strong and that I will make it. But to be honest, there are some days where the load feels so incredibly heavy I just break. I miss my kids. I hate that when I do see my kids I am so exhausted that all they do is annoy me. I know that part of it will get easier in the next couple weeks as I get my schedule in the gym, but right now it's really hard on all of us.

I find myself so focused on what I have to do each day: assignments for work, getting the kids prepared for school and/or daycare, following up on homework, feeding them, feeding me. Then when I actually have a moment where my brain space is freed up to think about other stuff is when the magnitude of my situation really hits me. I know I'll make it, but there is so much to think about and so much work to be done that sometimes it seems too much for me alone.

Sometimes I just need to sit and cry and feel the reality. It doesn't last very long, but there are moments when I just need to let myself feel the emotions, work thru them, pick myself back up and keep forging ahead. This weekend was one of those weekends. A lot of crying, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I try to find little things along the way that keep me going. Yesterday it was a phone call with Kristie, whom I hadn't talked to in well over a week (we usually talk daily). Reconnecting with her was very helpful for me. Today it was a quote from the new issue of Oxygen (which is the only part of the magazine I have time to read anymore):

"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

That's me. :)

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