Mary took the "which of the 5 love languages are you" quiz on Facebook this morning. I decided, as much as I think those quizzes are really stupid and created by 16 year olds with terrible grammar and spelling, that I should take it too. My result came up: Quality Time
I won't bother to post the full description of what this "result" means because that's really not the point of my post today. I've never actually read the book, although, it's been sitting on my bookshelf since 1997. Really, 1997, are you sure? Yes, I am sure. It was a gift from my friend and maid-of-honor-to-be, Gretchen, when Erik and I were on the brink of disaster. Didn't read it then, haven't read it yet. But, I am gonna read it now because I am bound and determined to live a happy life.
So anyway...if I'm a quality time kinda girl, it makes sense that having a husband who spent Friday nights, Saturday afternoons and evenings and every Sunday during football season in the backyard smoking cigars and drinking wine or craft beers. I'm not a big fan of cigar or cigarette smoke, so I chose not to hang out with him while he would smoke. And to be honest, kissing someone who's been smoking is really, well...a turn off. And as we all know, I'm a figure competitor and alcohol consumption is not a regular part of the program. So, as you can see, this really didn't make for a weekend of quality time between husband and wife.
There were many times early in our relationship when he would have to run off, leave a date early or just couldn't see me because he had to hang out at the pub with "the boys". Yes, "the boys"...we had "Drunk Kerry" who had more DUIs than my son has had birthdays. And there was Jim: sarcastic, smart ass, typical short, bald guy syndrome. Let's just say neither one of them liked me much and the feeling was mutual, for sure. It always hurt me that he would rather spend time in a smokey bar hanging out with these jerks than with me. But, I put up with it, regardless. After all, I was lucky he wanted to spend time with me at all.
Even when we would go on vacations to Jamaica he would let me go to bed alone and he would head to the bar to sit and drink and smoke cigars and usually would end up deep in conversation with another tourist who was a "regular" to the island like we were. One time it got really late and I never sleep (correction: slept) well until he comes to bed. So, I looked out the door of our room, which was conveniently located right above the bar, and motioned him to come up for a minute. He was less than thrilled that I wanted to know when he was coming up and what ensued after that is for another post...
But the point of this post is that I've been thinking about this all day and I really think there is a lot to be said for this silly little Facebook quiz. I do like spending time with people I care about. I would much rather you spend some quality time with me just hanging out and chatting than anything else. And I can see how our life together probably didn't work very well for me on that level. He rarely spent quality time with me and when he did I felt "lucky". I feel stupid for giving someone that power of making me feel like I deserve less than I wanted and wasn't worthy.