Friday, August 7, 2009

Out of Love

Falling in love is a beautiful thing. It feels wonderful, euphoric. Your head is in the clouds most of the time and everything is about the person you've "fallen" in love with.

Well, falling out of love, I've determined, is the exact polar opposite feeling of falling in love. Falling out of love (for me) is a time when you look back at all the memories of your years "in love". I analyze them over and over again, trying to make sense of where I/we went wrong. What could I have done differently to make the outcome any different than what it is today?

I can't really say I'm at peace with this yet, but I do know that it's the truth...there is NOTHING I could have done differently, short of not marrying my husband. Nothing would have changed the fact that he was not ready to be a husband and a step-dad and nothing will change the fact that I had unrealistic expectations of changing a man who didn't want to be changed. That's just not how it works. It's like I tell my kids..."You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Well, I got what I got. Sure, I learned to live with it and make the best of it.

I started to see life passing me by. I was seeing my friends being happy in the marriages, for the most part. Hey, nothing's perfect. I couldn't bear to hear things about "families" and happy couples. It hurt too much because it was something we did not have and it was something I was desperately missing in my life.

I've spent countless hours these last few weeks, literally sobbing. Coming to terms with being out of love with the person that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. Someone recently told me that divorce is not "God's plan" and I do believe that. I also believe that breaking vows and treating someone so horribly is also not "God's plan". And so, I think that on whatever spiritual level I need this to be is.

Falling out of love sucks. Being void of emotion towards someone that you thought you'd grow old with is a strange feeling. It's like having a stake driven through your heart. But I DO know that everyday I work thru this is one day closer to the other side and one day closer to my heart being open again to new possibilities.

1 comment:

  1. The thing I've realized about thinking other people have such amazing, perfect, happy just isn't true! It's only what they show us, or it's only what we see. For example...I had that feeling about you and Brett in your beautiful big house, your numerous wonderful vacations to Jamaica, even your awesome baby announcements for Heather and Hannah, which in my mind was of course a joyous joint collaboration and decision by the two of you. You see? I'm now guessing that a lot of that was just what I "saw", through my own lenses. I think we all do it. Don't tear yourself up about it, and remember that the next time you are with someone pining for their "perfect"'s probably not so perfect after all. Hugs!