Well, falling out of love, I've determined, is the exact polar opposite feeling of falling in love. Falling out of love (for me) is a time when you look back at all the memories of your years "in love". I analyze them over and over again, trying to make sense of where I/we went wrong. What could I have done differently to make the outcome any different than what it is today?
I can't really say I'm at peace with this yet, but I do know that it's the truth...there is NOTHING I could have done differently, short of not marrying my husband. Nothing would have changed the fact that he was not ready to be a husband and a step-dad and nothing will change the fact that I had unrealistic expectations of changing a man who didn't want to be changed. That's just not how it works. It's like I tell my kids..."You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Well, I got what I got. Sure, I learned to live with it and make the best of it.
I started to see life passing me by. I was seeing my friends being happy in the marriages, for the most part. Hey, nothing's perfect. I couldn't bear to hear things about "families" and happy couples. It hurt too much because it was something we did not have and it was something I was desperately missing in my life.
I've spent countless hours these last few weeks, literally sobbing. Coming to terms with being out of love with the person that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. Someone recently told me that divorce is not "God's plan" and I do believe that. I also believe that breaking vows and treating someone so horribly is also not "God's plan". And so, I think that on whatever spiritual level I need this to be okay...it is.
Falling out of love sucks. Being void of emotion towards someone that you thought you'd grow old with is a strange feeling. It's like having a stake driven through your heart. But I DO know that everyday I work thru this is one day closer to the other side and one day closer to my heart being open again to new possibilities.