Saturday, August 15, 2009

Goal on Hold

When I decided to file for divorce in May my training for the 2009 Washington Ironman remained a top priority. I knew I needed something positive to focus on, an outlet for my emotions and frustrations. I have trained hard. I have stayed with my diet and have stayed probably leaner than I needed to in an "off season". I admit, I have had a hard time getting my head in the game 100% to get dialed in for the home stretch before the show.

I really haven't given myself the option to not compete. Rather I've told myself that the goal is just to "get on stage." I know myself better than that and the people who are close to me know me better than that. I never just "show up." If I compete, I compete to win. End of story.

My daughter is 13. She wants to "date" (that's another post). My son is 5. He is starting full day kindergarten in 3 weeks. My 3 year old twin girls are going to start going to daycare 50 hours a week. They've never been apart from me aside from their time in the gym and with babysitters. I will be divorced next month. I will be working 50 or more hours a week for the first few weeks of my job. I will be running the house alone.

I want to give my new job everything I have. I want to be the best. I know that with the new job and training for a competition there will be nothing left of me to give my kids and I just cannot do that to them right now. Their dad has moved out. Their mom is going to work. They need whatever is left of me after my paying job. Not whatever is left after job, training, diet.
And as everybody knows my friends are my family and I want to have something left to give to the people who mean so much to me.

On some levels I feel like a failure. I feel like a quitter. Mostly, I feel guilty because I feel like I'm letting my coach down. But in my heart, I know this is right for me and especially my kids.

As much a relief as this decision is for me, it pains me at the same time. If you've ever been to a show I've competed in, you know I love the stage. I love the smell of the Jan Tana being sprayed backstage. I love getting all glammed up for the big day - the nails, the waxing, the MAC makeup, tanning every other day. I love walking around in my 5" hooker heels, swinging my hips back and forth, thinking I AM all that and a bag of chips. I even love having my suit glued to my butt so it doesn't ride up. And I LOVE the moment they call my name and I step on stage. I absolutely LOVE it! It is hard for me to do this, but I know it is right.

I will still be training as hard as ever and I will still keep my diet in check. There's another show in Olympia in November and if it works out, I'd love to be on that 11 weeks. But I have to prioritize and my kids and my new job come first. This new life I am creating is what I have waited for for years. I have to succeed.

There will always be...another competition...

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