The Sheltered Housewife

Okay, so yesterday I finally opened my own checking account. I was really excited about this as I have not had my own bank account since 2002. When I did give up my account it wasn't really by choice, it was just something I was ordered to do because "that's just the way it's gonna be."

I went into marriage with nothing. I was a single mom who couldn't afford much, but I could afford enough. Enough to provide for my daughter and me and enough for us to do some fun things together. Our life the last couple years before marriage wasn't "rough" financially, but instead of buying nice "things" we chose to DO fun things together. I had no household items to contribute. I had my car - my little white 1996 Honda Civic - I loved that car. It wasn't fancy, but it was MINE. My little Civic was traded within the year for a larger vehicle that would accommodate the baby on the way. And the new car was..."ours", but I got to drive it. Now we had "his car" and "our car".

I went into a situation of "ours" and "his". There was nothing that was truly mine. I'm not saying I'm not into sharing stuff, but after being independent for as long as I had it was really hard for me to go to having nothing that was my own - except for my child.

Anyway, I digress. So, I no longer managed my money but I still pulled in a paycheck until June 30, 2006. I never paid bills, which was cool with me cause that's just not my gig. But, it's really not my gig to need to ask for $2 everytime I want to buy a bottle of, say, Gatorade. You get the idea right?

I'm sitting there yesterday in the banker's office as he's helping me get setup with online bill pay and I am just feeling like a total idiot. In my head I'm thinking: Oh my God, I've not used a personal checking account in 7 years. I haven't paid my bills in 7 years! Will I still know what to do. I can't really describe accurately how intimidating this experience was for me yesterday and how small I felt in this banker's office. Just a few short years ago I was managing multiple accounts and millions of dollars for an organization and now managing my own checking account freaks me out.

And what's with this debit card thing? I've had the Alaska Airlines Visa for the last 7 years. Where can I use my debit card? I didn't upgrade because it was $30...$30 I don't have.

As freeing as it was to go in there and get my own account, it was really intimidating and scary. I don't know why I doubt myself. I can do this, of course. I know I can do this, piece of cake. But there is something inside me that scares me to death and puts my stomach in knots.

I don't really think it has anything to do with the checking account.