Saturday, July 25, 2009

Random Thought...

Every morning I wake up early. I either get up at 4:30 to go do cardio at the gym for an hour or I get up at 5:30-6:00 so I can come downstairs, drink my coffee and eat breakfast in peace. Then I blog and I read and I plan for the day ahead. It's my "me time" before the kids wake up at 8am.

This morning I was reading on the couch and I looked up at the bookcases that are on either side of the notorious "50' Panasonic Plasma tv" and started thinking..."his book, my book, his book, my book" as I'm going to have to start boxing them up so he can take the entertainment center.

One of the books is a devotional book for married couples that was given to us as a wedding gift by the wife of the late pastor who baptized me when I was 6 weeks old. I've never opened the book and "we" certainly never utilized it in the capacity it is intended. But what I did remember when I saw this book was how important it was for me to find a pastor to marry us that would not require premarital counseling. Having been there, done that with Erik, I knew there was no way we would get beyond counseling and to the altar.

I sit here shaking my head. What was I thinking? People tell me; "it's okay, we all make mistakes". Okay, true enough, but I knew I was making a mistake and I did it anyway.

I'm not beating myself up (for if I admit that I were DP would surely come up here and kick my ass) I'm just trying to figure out why I felt like I needed to be married to someone I knew wasn't the right person. Did I think that no one else would want the "package deal?" I don't know. This is all stuff I'm trying to figure out, come to terms with and forgive myself so I can move on.

And I want to end this post by thanking (yes, again) my amazing wonderful friends. Kristie, Dave, Janette, Butch, Shaney & Shanna - it's been hell week and you guys have all been in my corner pushing me to fight one more round. Thank you for believing in me, standing by me, holding me up and making my life better by being in it.

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