I shared a little of this with my girlfriends, Janette and Kristie, this weekend. I still can't really talk about it without getting very emotional and even as I am writing this the tears are welling up in my eyes.
A little background: When Brenden was just over a year old we decided to try to get pregnant again, hoping to have about a 2 year age gap. As with my other two kids, I pretty much just think about being pregnant and God delivers. I got pregnant right away. Everything was going just fine, I was sick as usual and due on what would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary. We had just started having our house built and both of us had good, stable jobs. Life was good. A couple of routine ultrasounds and baby looked good. Went in for my 3 month check up by myself (no need to drag Brett along as this was just usual stuff) and my doc decided to do an ultrasound "just for fun". It ended up not being so fun. There was no heartbeat, but the baby measured right on target. I will spare you the details of our week of waiting for the baby to "grow", but I did end up having to have a D&C in March of 2005.
I always thought that losing a baby in early pregnancy was not that big of a deal. It's so common, really. You just deal with it and move on. And then it happens to you and you realize...you just don't deal with it and move on. You've already started dreaming about this new life, who she's going to be, what she's going to look like, how she's going to fit into the family. You dream. You plan. This broke me, emotionally. It took me a very long time and a lot of good friends to come to terms with this loss.
I've thought about that baby a lot lately. My friend Beki made me a frame that sits in my living room. It reads:
How very softly you tiptoed into my world.
almost silently, only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your footprints have left upon my heart.
It sits on a ledge right next to some birth pictures of the twins. I like it there as it helps me to not forget her and it reminds me the gift that my little twins are as a result.
But lately I look at that and I think...that baby got lucky. And it makes me terribly sad and relieved at the same time. It makes me mad at myself, as though God was giving me a sign and I ignored it. But if He didn't want me to have more kids, why then, did He give me the twins? That, I don't know. But what I do know is that I am in a place now, 4 years later, that I am at true peace with the loss of that baby and I honestly feel that she, is the lucky one, not having to live thru this.
As a mother I have a lot of guilt. Being in a marriage that I knew would not last and still bringing children into the world. I don't regret a one of them and I love them all more than life itself and I would give anything in the world for my kids. But there is still that part of me that thinks I was incredibly stupid and selfish and irresponsible. I will forever try to make it up to my kids and give them the best life and the most love that I possibly can. And when I need to make it okay, I think of my Lucky Baby watching over my 4 kids...their angel.