Let's just say, I have a lot of boxes on my shelf with a lot of junk in them. That's how you get thru a life like mine. You take the bad things, stash them away, pretending they don't really exist and make a mental note to deal with it later. My problem is, I put waaaaaay to many things in the box and a lot of those things I have let sit there for a very long time. Let's just say I put some food items in the box and they are not rotten and moldy and they smell really foul and are hardly recognizable.
It's all coming to the forefront now. As I've stepped away from a toxic relationship, it has become crystal clear to me exactly the kind of dysfunction I was living in and I have found myself wondering quite often, this week especially, "HOW did I do it for so long?" And now that I am still in the process of dealing with the mind games and manipulation and I am actually dealing with it and facing it rather than putting it in a box that it is really hard and it is really sending me to a very dark place, a place I do not like being.
My emotions are out of control. I feel like I have no control over the situation. The phone calls, emails and texts have become unbearable. They are consuming and so abundant that it leaves me little time in my day to focus on anything else, most importantly, my children. If my resources were unlimited, I would turn all of this over to my attorney and not deal with any of it as it is just far too much for me to handle, emotionally. Unfortunately, my resources are extremely limited and I have no choice but to face this head on.
Somehow, someway I need to find a way to get my inner strength back. I can't spend everyday crying all day long. I can't let my children see me defeated. I am in this battle for THEM and I will win this battle for THEM.
I never really thought that this process would be easy. I never thought we'd just look at each other and say..."yeah, we probably shouldn't be together. Let's work as a team for the kids and get this done as quickly and as smoothly as possible." I knew this would be met with resistance. I just didn't realize how hard it would be for me to stand up to it. I know that I have no choice. I will prevail for me and my kids and I will find a way to stand up and fight....somehow...