I've come up with various reasons and scenarios for how I "got here" and why I did this (got married) in the first place when I knew it was wrong. Some days I'm still mad at myself but I'm starting to have days where I actually cut myself a little slack and realize that we all make mistakes and we're all just doing the best we can with what we have. I feel like everyday I am getting closer to forgiving myself and letting go.
I am grateful to Danielle and Shaney who read my blog this weekend and both wouldn't let me hang it up and give up my competition dreams. You ladies are both right - this is my passion, this is what I love and this is what really makes me feel happy - and powerful! So, I will do everything in my power to get myself on stage in September and October. I am lucky to have the best support team in the world, so provided I can dig deep and pull myself out of this funk (I can), it'll be GAME ON in 10 weeks.
Now, on to the little things...
My friends who have spent time in my home know that there are many "rules".
- No shoes (I'm in favor of this one, actually)
- Don't touch the walls
- Use your knuckle to push buttons on the kitchen appliances
- No kids at the kitchen bar
- when sitting at the kitchen bar, do NOT let your feet touch the paint on the wall
- Only homeowners are allowed to use the oven (God forbid a friend might make a pizza in the oven and a little cheese might drip)
- No playdough, crayons, markers, etc
- No kids in the kitchen, the fridge, the pantry
- No heels on the hardwoods
Okay, that's about all that comes to mind right now, but it should give you the idea...we live in a museum...haha!
So, yesterday I was out and about with my girls, looking for a wading pool for the back yard and I was reminded of two summers ago when I came home with an inflatable pool that was not going to be able to be put on the grass for fear it would ruin the grass. I smiled to myself because I can put the pool anywhere I want now and even if I do put it on the grass I bet it won't get ruined.
Then later, I was making spaghetti for the girls for dinner. They desperately wanted to watch. So, I decided - no one is here to stop me - I'm letting them sit in the bar stools at the bar and watch and then...this is big...I let them eat their spaghetti at the bar too!!! :) They were so happy and they were so careful. I know it may sound silly, but I can't really describe the joy that this moment brought to me.
In my childhood our home was for us kids. My mom let us play with playdough, she let us help bake cookies. I often played in the middle of the kitchen floor with my Little People while my mom cooked. This is what I know and this is what I want for my children. I want my house to be a home for my family and I feel like I can finally make that possible for our future. It's amazing how letting some of these "rules" slide has made me (and the kids) so much happier and less stressed.
Hannah colored on the wall in the dining room with a red crayon a few weeks back...I left it there. Kids color on the walls, they just do. I can't imagine my life without my kids and looking at that "artwork" on the wall makes me smile.