Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Pieces of ME

What a lot of you probably don't know is how long in coming this divorce has been for me. I can't really say that I've ever been "happily married". I think that I really wanted the picture-perfect life for me and for Natalie. I really felt like I was damaged goods and I always felt like I settled for less than I deserved. Please don't get me wrong: Brett is a wonderful guy and we've had many happy times along the way. We have to give up pieces of ourselves when we enter a relationship, but I believe that there are pieces of ourselves that are too precious to compromise. If we give up those pieces of ourselves, sooner or later we'll want to go back and find them in an effort to find ourselves. Not to worry, I'm not having a midlife crisis...I'm only 34. ;)

I've reflected on this a lot over the years and realized that I chose to give up pieces of myself that I couldn't afford to lose. I gave up my independence and I gave up MY dreams for someone else's dreams. The house we live in...not my dream. Not what I wanted. Not where I ever wanted to be. I completely walked away from a life that I thought was pretty amazing to fully give myself to someone else. There has to be compromise, it can't be one-sided. It can't be one person giving up everything to accommodate the other.

I miss working. I miss my friends. I miss the feeling of being strong, capable and independent.

I have wanted to compete since 1999. It's one of my "old" dreams from my "old" life. Of all the things in my life, my passion for fitness is the one thing that has remained constant and I think probably in some ways is what gave me back my power. I know that probably sounds really dumb to a lot of you and I probably come off sounding like this selfish little housewife who just wants to be free. But it is so much deeper than that.

I think a person can certainly live as I've lived for a lifetime. Actually, I'm certain of it because I have known many people who have done this. When I think 30 years into the future in this marriage it makes me sad because I know I will have given up more than I could afford to give up and that I will have continued to live an unhappy life. I am doing this for me. I am doing this for my daughters. I don't think there is anything much worse than betraying yourself. I have betrayed myself for far too long. The reality of this is a tough pill to swallow, I won't lie. I hold myself accountable...I made these choices and I have to live with the consequences. I am prepared to do that. And I still know that once I have dealt with this and moved on...the other side will be a very happy place.

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