Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Boob Envy

I was always a busty girl. Well stacked at an early age. By 15 I was a 34D. Right now all the guys reading this are going..."Yeeeeeah"...but to be pretty much the only girl in school with boobs that big was more of a curse than a blessing. Being that boobs are primarily fat, every time I was really skinny I would lose mine...and I liked that. After my twins were born I got up to a G cup. I can't even remember what that was like and when I try to imagine myself with boobs that big...well, I just can't get there.

After I stopped nursing the duo I dropped a considerable amount of weight and got pretty "skinny" and lost pretty much everything I had. I once thought when I was finished having children I would get a "lift". There wasn't anything to lift at that point. It didn't really bother me, but it seemed to bother my ex-husband as he constantly made negative comments about "them" and my body in general. As a result, I became really self-conscious about them and was advised by many that I shouldn't worry because I could "fix" them. When I was going through my divorce I even threw out the idea to my attorney that my soon-to-be ex should pay for me to get implants...after all, I had saved us a considerable amount of money by nursing our 3 children for a year or more each. That has to be worth a set, for sure!! No go. I got the..."We can ask, but you're not gonna get it."

It ended up being okay. I put on some weight, got back up to a C. Didn't like it. Having bigger boobs meant I was fat. I couldn't wait to get lean again and getting lean meant losing my boobs. They were the first to go. It was kinda great at first because it was a sign that I was making progress in losing body fat. And then they kept going and going and going....and I still have more body fat to lose which means there won't be a whole lot of anything in a few weeks. It doesn't bother me, but it bothers me. Okay, it totally bothers me.

I'm fine when I wear clothes. I don't really feel that self-conscious but I can't even fill out my smallest B cup anymore. And bikinis...forget it! Even my 15 year old looked at me in my bikini this afternoon and laughed. Yes, she laughed!! I tried to buy a new suit this past weekend and could not find a top that fit. Those formed tops were a joke because my poor boobs were just sitting in the bottom of them, not even making an attempt to fill them out. The non-push-up variety were not even an option.

Lately I find myself thinking..."maybe I should give Dr. Stephens a call and let him 'fix' me." I have major boob envy. I can't stop myself from staring at women with great boobs...I just can't. My poor clients are probably sick of me raving about how great their boobs look...many of them are nursing and therefore quite voluptuous right now. I'm totally preoccupied with boobs and I'm scared to death of anyone seeing mine!! I look at all the  Victoria's Secret tops and think of how great they look on the model with her implants and sadly realize they just won't look that way on me. And again, I think about giving the good doctor a call and putting myself out of my misery.

As I practice posing I can hear Elaine in my head saying "Shoulders back, show the rack"...and my rack is nowhere to be found no matter how far back I pull my shoulders. And even attempting "tits over toes" is a joke - not even possible for me to arch my back that much. This is really the first time that it has been painfully obvious to me how much words can hurt another person. No matter how many times my ex husband has since tried to take back all the negative, hurtful, mean things he said about my body they are buried deep in my subconscious. But it's up to me to decide what to do with those words I allow them to break me?

For me, getting impants is not a very fearless move. Nor is it "owning" myself. More of disowning myself. It's an attempt to "fix" an inadequacy, something that I feel makes me somehow "less than." I can't go out and buy myself a new rack because I'm ashamed of the one that I have. That would definitely leave me with a lot of regret if not now, at some point down the road, knowing that I felt the need to "fix" something that really wasn't broken in the first place. As a role model to other women, other mothers, my daughters and my clients, it would go against everything I preach to fix what isn't really "wrong" with me. And so...I have forbidden myself to give any thought to implants. Because I AM fearless and I will own myself...even if there's not much to own.

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