Monday, January 4, 2010

In good times and in bad...

I have been struggling a little bit lately...with loneliness. Sometimes you just wish there was someone laying in bed next to you. Sometimes it would be nice, at the end of the day, to have someone to "run it down" with. Ive noticed I've started talking to myself a lot. It's better when my kids are home and around, but when a weekend comes where all 4 are away and gone, I talk to myself a LOT.

When I get lonely, I have to summons all the bad memories. All the things that made me hate my life the way it was. The moments and the words that made me feel worthless and small. Just when I think I'm moving on I have to call those memories back so I know that being alone is better than not.

The holidays are a lonely time for single people, I think. Holidays are all about families. You know, you get all your friends' holiday cards with pictures of their families all dressed perfectly and smiling beautifully. The picture of happiness. Or maybe not so much. We had those pictures too. When I see these pictures, even shows and movies, it brings back memories of the good, or not-so-bad, times.

It's sort of this little war that goes on in my head...sort of the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other kind of thing.
"It wasn't so bad" says the little devil on my left shoulder...
"Oh, but it really was so bad" says the angel on my right

I can't say that I have any regrets, because I don't, but I can tell you that sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming and very, very heavy. But I know in my heart that "this, too, shall pass." I know that when I am ready I will be lonely no more. (And in case you're, I'm not ready)

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