FEARLESS

fear-less [feer lis] - adjective

without fear; bold or brave; intrepid

synonyms: assured, aweless, bodacious, bold, brassy, cheeky, chesty, cocky, confident, cool hand, courageous, crack, daring, dashing, dauntless, doughty, flip, fresh, galliant, game, gritty, gutsy, heroic, icy, indomitable, intrepid, lionhearted, nervy, plucky, salty, sanguine, sassy, smart, spunky, sure, temerarious, unabashed, undaunted, unflinching, valiant, valorous, wise.

I was working on a project earlier and had to look up synonyms for the word "fearless". And you probably know by now that "fearless" is one of my favorite words. It was definitely my "word of the year" for 2009 and I'm planning to carry it along now and team it up with hopeful and amazing. But anyway, as I was reading the list of synonyms I thought of a few people who know me well and wondered if they would agree that those are words that accurately describe me. I decided they would. Okay, "chesty", maybe not so much and "sanguine", I'm gonna have to look that one up.

As I pondered the words and the fact that they actually do describe me I kinda had a "moment". It wasn't long ago that these words did not describe me at all. I had let myself live in a situation, an environment that was non consistent with my authentic self. Every afternoon at about 4pm I scrambled to tidy up the house and clean up any signs that children had been playing there all afternoon. Not because I cared, but because the man of the house was soon to be home and would want to arrive home to a clean and tidy house, free of mess and toys.

I put my own opinion by the wayside. I agreed with everything my partner said. I did whatever I had to do to keep the peace even if it meant not speaking my mind. I learned to just keep my mouth shut. (And for those of you who know me well, you know I speak my mind!!) It was easier than dealing with the explosion if I didn't and mostly, it was easier on my kids which is ultimately why I believe I did those things.

I'm not writing about this to drag up old crap. But I know, for fact and without a doubt, that there are so many other women like me who put themselves aside for the sake of a man, the relationship, the "family." And I get it and I don't judge. I had been feeling the way I felt in my marriage for a very long time. I had asked my husband to get counseling with me and he refused: "I don't need counseling and I'll never need counseling. Maybe YOU need counseling." He was right about one thing...I do need some counseling. By the time I left it was too late for counseling. I had suffered so long I was DONE.

If you are like me and you feel like I did, stand up for yourself. Don't do the womanly thing and allow yourself to be suffocated just to keep the peace. I believe people can change if they want to and I believe that counseling could have saved my marriage had we both been willing to participate. Don't wait until it's too late and you've reached your breaking point.

I believe everything works out in the end in the way that it's supposed to. I'm stronger now than ever before and yep, "you better believe I'm fearless"...and I have a cape too!!