I guess because I was never "allowed" to express my hurt and anger about a situation and because my feelings were always invalidated, I just stopped even trying to get through anymore and bottled it all up. Now I'm in a place where I can get mad and I can be angry and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me. There's no fear of repurcussions. I can say whatever I want without fear of retaliation of some kind.
Then there's this "I want you to hurt now because of all the hurt I've endured from you" thing going on. I know that's not good. I know these emotions are all part of the whole divorce process and it's very normal. But it pretty much sucks, to be honest. It hurts so much to drudge up all the old hurts from the past and in the end, after an unleashing, I can't say that I feel any better. This is only about ME and I know I need to figure that out and deal with it so I don't carry it forward. Correction: I will not carry it forward. I am determined to have the happy life that I want so much.
On a happy note: I am sitting outside on the back patio this morning. Had my breakfast out here, drinking my coffee, watching the sun come up over the neighboring homes and listening to my neighbors clank around in their kitchens (got to love suburban living - where is my home out in North Bend with all the land) and I don't understand a word of what they're saying. But that's beside the point. I'm sitting out here, I'm relaxing, I'm loving it. And I thought to myself...hey, this is great! There is no one to come downstairs before work to get pissed off because I said "hi" instead of "good morning". There is no one to complain that I made his oats too dry today or that the shirt he wanted to wear wasn't washed yet. It's kind of like the boss at work who just can't give you a break and ever give you a decent performance review.
I can go where I want, do what I want and with whom I want. It's a good feeling! And I am looking forward to some time at Elaine's for the kids to play in the pool, going on Butch's boat tomorrow and the big 55 un-surprise bday bash for the Guru on Saturday. I would have had to do these things alone anyway and then I would have felt guilty and not done them so...life is good. We are going to be okay. I know that each day brings me one day closer to "the other side".
Any word on that tiara??? ;)