Friday, July 31, 2009

Isn't there a pill for that?

I am so tired. Emotionally and mentally exhausted. Normally, I would be bummed that Natalie will be gone for an entire week, rendering my morning cardio sessions impossible. Right now, I'm actually very relieved. I get another week to sleep in. My body needs it, my mind needs it.

I keep wondering when the tears are going to stop flowing. I mean, I figure I've got to run out of them sooner or later. I feel like I've been crying non-stop for the last month. It's too much for me - on top of managing the house, figuring out employment, finances, navigating thru this divorce and taking care of my 4 kids. It's too much.

I already take an anti-anxiety/sleep aid at night. I'm not ashamed of that. I'm kind of anti-meds, but I need it to get thru this "meantime". But as the emotions have taken on a life of their own, in my desperation I think: "I've got to call the doctor. There's got to be something she can give me to get this crying under control." Maybe there is. Maybe I just need to work thru this, cry these tears and get past it. The pain is just too much for my heart to take some days and I just want to shut off the feeling. And I don't really drink anymore, so I'm not one to hit the bottle every night to drown my sorrows. (No, I did/do not have alcohol issues...I'm a figure competitor for crying out loud. Everybody knows that the liver can't burn fat when it's detoxifying the alochol. :) ) The logical part of me knows that this is all just part of the process and I just need to feel this pain, power thru it and recover from it so I can move on to that happy place I dream of.

And about that tiara -
I've been having trouble keeping my weight up with this "divorce diet". I was looking at myself in the mirror at the gym between sets last night and, my delts look small, I look smooth and scrawny. Think I need a Subway! Haha! I do, actually think I need a good carb up, but I'll have to consult the boss on that. My goal at this point is just to GET ON STAGE. Just getting to the stage thru this state of mind will be a triumph in itself. I may not place where I had hoped to place, but just being there is the battle at this point.

I will show up. I will give it everything I have to give right now. Because that is what true champions do. And I know that in that moment that I am standing on stage in my heels, with my blinged out suit and fancy nails, icky spray tan and hooker makeup, I will feel victorious of my own life issues.

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