Sunday, June 21, 2009

Me, Myself & I

I can't remember the last time I spent time all. by. myself. Years, for sure. I've constantly got people around me: kids, usually. Friends. People in the gym. Formerly, my husband. Always someone there. I like to be alone. I'm actually very good at just hanging out with Julie. In fact, before I met Brett and it was just me and Natalie, I would spend many weekend mornings hiking by myself. It was very therapeutic for me. I really enjoyed it and it seemed to keep me grounded.

This was Brett's first weekend in the house with the kids which meant that I had to boot scoot off to some other location. Actually, I'm sure he would have been delighted had I stayed, but that's not exactly the plan here. Kristie and family were taking off for the weekend, so she offered me to hang out at their place. It's great because Kristie's house is just on the other side of the road from our house, so it was nice and close to everything that is familiar to me.

On Friday night I found myself wandering around the house talking to myself. I caught myself and proceeded to tell myself that I was crazy...yep, carrying on the conversation. At Dave's recommendation I watched Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married?" and I cried and I cried and I laughed harder than I've laughed in a long time. (This is a hilarious movie and I would highly recommend it. Unless you're emotionally fragile as I am, you probably won't enconter the crying issue.) I began to realize that after many weeks of dealing with finally making the decision to file for divorce, getting my real estate license, lining up daycare, figuring out the mess that has landed in my lap that I've ignored the pain that I've been suppressing deep down for so long.

Sometimes our hearts don't always agree with our heads and that can be a very hard thing to face. Intellectually, I know that I made bad choices for settling for less than what I deserved and for letting someone treat me as though I was unworthy and worthless. But my heart believed that if I tried just a little harder, if I kept the house a little cleaner, if I was prettier or skinnier that maybe, just maybe I would be worthy and get the kind of love I was looking for, hoping for. We can't change people. I have to believe that people do the best that they know how to do, but sometimes, that's just not enough. And for me, it was just not enough. This weekend, spending time by myself made me realize how much my heart is still hurting from years of bad experiences and bad memories. "Life moments" that were ruined by hurtful words, usually alcohol induced. Expiriences that are etched in my memory forever. I know that, in time, I can and will forgive. Right now I just need to work thru this. After years of bottling up my feelings I am sitting here very angry.

I've really been cruising along just getting done what needed to be done, but now as we begin to settle into our new lives it's going to be time for me to face my failures, my heartaches and move forward with my life and leave the hurt and pain in the past. I know it will take a lot of work and it won't be easy, but I'm committed to doing it so that I can move on and create new, healthy relationships.

More time with Julie is on the horizon. ;)

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