I was confused for a long time. Pretty much my entire life. I thought that if I did enough of the right things - got good grades, performed well in athletics, dance and music, had success in my career, had a great body (after 4 kids...did you know I've had twins?!) - that I would be worthy. I really believed that the things I did were what made me valuable as a person.
It was no surprise then, that I would end up in a sport like bodybuilding where all that matters is your DO. How hard do you train? How strict are you with your nutrition? How shredded can you get? How symmetrical are your muscles? How tight are your abs? And don't forget to have shiny hair, pretty makeup and lots of bling. I got so wrapped up in all of this. People admired my dedication and discipline. I could do things that most of the population wasn't willing to do. But I was. I was hardcore. And I was rewarded for it. People noticed.
But inside, I was broken and I was hurting and I was so insecure. My entire life, I never felt like I could possibly DO enough to prove my worth. I always needed to be doing, to be achieving and to be reaching for something more. That's all well and good, but not when your DO becomes your identity. When your DO becomes your identity, your WHO, your soul, your spirit, suffers.
A lot of people knew what I did, but not very many people knew who I was. I remember precisely the moment that this all became crystal clear to me. I had lost everything - my business, my physique (as a result of metabolic damage and high stress/adrenal fatigue I was not able to achieve the level of conditioning needed to compete), my social life, my alone time. I was driving home one winter morning from the gym last year after doing my cardio. It was really early and it was still dark and I was going over the day in my head. My day didn't seem all that exciting. A bunch of mom stuff on the agenda. Not how I pictured my life being. And I thought: "I can't wait until 'this' is over and I can get back to doing the important stuff." I had allowed my identity to become completely wrapped up in my DOINGS and I was feeling pretty much worthless.
When people say they've heard from God or the Holy Spirit, I usually kind of get that skeptical look on my face and think "ohhhh kay, weirdo". But driving home that morning in the dark I heard it. Undeniable. "You ARE doing the important stuff. Being a mother, helping these kids through this trauma is the most important thing you will ever do." Like whoa! I had never had an experience like that before, but it changed me. In that moment, I realized that I wasn't "just a mom." I had been given the responsibility of helping these children heal and recovering and living healthy lives. This is a big deal.
It was that moment that I realized I had put so much value on what I DO rather than WHO I am. I heard Joyce Meyer say something the other day that said it perfectly - "We are human beings, not human doings." Enjoying what you do, being passionate about you is important and it's necessary but it doesn't define you. It isn't WHO you are. I was confused for a long time and I let my DO and people who didn't know me define my worth. The sooner you learn that what you DO is not WHO you are, the happier you will be.