Sunday, January 1, 2012

"They Call Me 'Mr. So' "

A couple weeks ago I was approached by a chubby, Asian man while I was resting in the squat rack between sets...of squats, of course. He was taking the liberty to inform me that my squat form was incorrect and proceeded to demonstrate the "proper" form as I looked on with my best "are-you-f*cking-kidding-me" look. After he finished his demonstration he let me know that he knew what he was talking about because at one time he had been a manager at a Gold's Gym. Hopefully longer than the average Gold's Gym manager who lasts approximately 2 weeks it seems.

That was the first time I've seen this dude and I've now seen him several times since. When I was on the leg press last week he came up to me, motioned for me to remove my headphones and went off on some "Carpe Diem" shpeal and how this is the only moment we have for sure so we should live it like it's our last. Kinda feeling like I had just gotten trapped in a strange country song, I nodded, smiled, shot off my best "you-are-a-f*cking-freak" look and put my headphones back on and got back to work.

Which brings us to today...I walk in the gym, it's New Year's Day, I'm all fired up for a great shoulder workout. I set my stuff down next to the bench I'm going to use and before I can even grab a set of dumbbells Chubby Asian Dude (can I just call him CAD for short?) comes up to me, smiles and says "hi" then turns his back to me with his hands behind him, turns his head over his shoulder and says..."Could you?"
WHAT THE F*CK??? (that was just in my head, I didn't say it out loud)
"Could I what?"
CAD: "Could you grab my hands and slooooowly lift them up behind my back to stretch me?"
Did this creep that I don't even know ask me to STRETCH him??? Is this really happening?
Me: "Excuse me?" (pretending I have no clue what he's asking)
CAD: "Yeah. You know, could you lift my hands up. I mean, if it's weird for you, I understand. It's just that I see you in here all the time so we're kind of like friends...ya know? I mean, we're always in here at the same time so why shouldn't we talk to each other?"
Hmmmm, I can think of MANY reasons why we shouldn't talk to each other. And we are absolutely NOT kind of like friends.
As I stand there, flabbergasted, wishing help was going to come to my rescue at any moment yet realizing that all of my standard "helpers" were nowhere to be found on this particular day, CAD keeps talking, holds out his hand and says..."So I'm *whatever he said his first name is* So. They call me 'Mr. So'. The ladies call me 'So Man.' You know, like 'so what?' And what's your name."
I am trying REALLY hard not to bust up laughing. And the fact that this guy is dead serious and totally sincere makes the whole thing even funnier...and weirder.
Me: "Julie"
CAD: "Oh, that's easy. I can remember that. What's your last name, Julie?"
Oh shit, did you really ask that?
Me: "Michaelson"
CAD: "Oh, Phil Mickelson."
Me: "No. Like MICHAELson."
CAD: "Well, I really like golf. It's one of those sports that only YOU are responsible for how you play. Ya know, cause it's not a team sport. That's what I like about dumbbells."
Okay, seriously, this just keeps getting stranger and stranger by the moment. 
Me: "Yeah. Right. Well, I gotta get started cause the gym is gonna close soon. Let me show you how to stretch out your shoulders with this stick over here..." (right after I beat the crap out of you with it...)

No comments:

Post a Comment