Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Little Voice Wants to...

"Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit." Sheehan

I’m having a “day.” Excuse me, in advance, for my poor choices in words that I am sure I will use throughout this post.

I’m really good at “powering through” and being tough and making things happen in my life. But truth be told, being a single mom of 4 kids and shouldering all the weight that I do day in and day out is really fucking hard. And every now and then it comes crashing down and gets the better of me. Today is one of those days. I’ve been fighting it for a few days now as I feel it’s a sign of weakness, but I can’t hold back anymore…the tears they are a’flowin’!

It’s so frustrating because I just want one thing, ONE fucking thing that is for me, about me and not doing for someone else or because of someone else. And I want to be able to have and do that ONE thing without people making me feel guilty and selfish because of it. I want it to be easy…and it’s just not.

Most days I feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything I want and need to get done. Finding time to train and eat for contest definitely makes for an additional challenge and you might wonder why I choose to do it. I do it because it’s for ME. It’s the one thing I do in my day that’s not about my kids, my friends, my clients…it’s about me and for me. It forces me to take good care of myself both physically and mentally. It gives me time to do something that is just about Julie. My life revolves around…

Does everybody have what they need?
Does everybody have what they want?
Is everybody happy?
Does everybody feel good?
Does anybody need help?

And I always get lost in that shuffle…unless I make a concerted effort not to. Being needed is a wonderful feeling, but being ONE person needed by so many is often overwhelming.

Today is one of those days I just want to say “fuck it!” and drive away and leave it all behind. Of course I never actually would…we’re all entitled to our fantasies. (joking, joking, relax!!)

As I was driving home from Renton with the younger threesome after meeting with Dave and his team, I couldn’t stop crying and I thought that maybe I’m not meant to do this. Maybe all this hard work is for nothing. Maybe this is not my time. The thought of giving up and “quitting” does not offer me any relief it only makes me sad and depressed and makes me feel even more like nothing, nothing is for me.

I refuse to quit. I refuse to give IN. I want this for ME. I know it’s not going to get any easier and I know it will get more difficult as the weeks go on…but I know that I need to do this for myself.

No pictures this week. I didn’t want any. I pretty much look the same as last week, not much notable progress this week. I’ll have more pictures at the end of the week – progress guaranteed!! 

1 comment:

  1. SO sorry that you are had one of "those" weeks. I hope you know that all your MILF's are rooting for you and we BELIEVE in you no matter what! We are so lucky to have you constantly cheering us on, and we will do the same for you!!! Good for you for letting it out...I have NO doubt that you will conquer this week! Just take it one day, one life and one meal at a time. ;) WE LOVE OUR JULIE!!!!! :)