Sunday, April 24, 2011

The TP's Quest for PC

I haven't actively "dated" in several months. I've been so busy with my gym and my kids and honestly, no one has piqued my interest enough to give up my free time to myself or with my friends for a date. I haven't really even had time to think about dating or who exactly it is that I'm looking for. I've dated enough since my divorce that I now know exactly who I'm not looking for. In recent weeks it's become really clear to me what I want, what I'll accept and what I won't. About a week ago, I got this crazy idea that maybe I should throw my profile up on again. I was really "wishy-washy" and figured that because of that I was meant to just do it. So I signed up for 1 month and by Monday morning I was already regretting spending $35 on this month of online dating. 

I had no intention of dating just anyone, he would have to appear to meet my criteria. In my vague search of on Sunday evening only one dude caught my attention that looked like he might be someone I'd be interested in meeting in person. I checked out his profile but didn't contact him. I figured he could see that I checked him out and if he was interested he could make the first move. By Monday morning I had a slew of emails from definite "no's". This thing was looking like a big fat mistake! 

Later Monday morning I was in my local Starbucks meeting with a client when a really attractive man caught my eye. I considered being so bold as to give him my card, but I didn't. A few hours later I got an email from the one guy I saw on match on Sunday that caught my eye asking me if he saw me at Starbucks. Turns out they were the same guy. Coincidence? Or not. We met on Wednesday for coffee and had a great time. He was super cool, super easy to talk to and we seemed to have a lot in common. We made plans to have dinner on Saturday. On Thursday I happened to run into him again at my local Starbucks and we spent another couple hours chatting. My friend Elaine spent part of that time with us and she really liked him too. So far, this guy was looking like a potential keeper.

Keeping in mind the best dating advice my buddy has ever given me: "Don't slap the cool tag on these guys too fast, Jules", I was cautiously optimistic. I did take this opportunity of dating a really tall guy to get myself some new sexy shoes! 5" leopard print platforms! Nice! I did look pretty least that's what Russell said when I showed up for a glass of wine to take the edge off before my date. "He's gonna go NUTS!" My date ended up picking me up at Russell's (where I knew he did not want to stay for dinner knowing that Russell would be giving him the third degree). We stayed for another glass of wine and then left to another restaurant. Everything was going well until sometime after we got to the second location. I can't put my finger on when I checked out and what it was that changed things, but it was like a switch. I went from interested to very much not interested. Something changed, but I can't precisely say what. All I know is I was so ready to bail. 

I got the sense that this man still had a great deal of bitterness towards his soon-to-be ex-wife. No judgement, that's fine, but it's just not where I am anymore and I don't really want to be with someone who is still dealing with that bitterness and resentment...especially after being separated for several years. Not to mention, there is a huge difference between being "legally" divorced and not. It just feels different. It truly changes everything and for me, it was what finally allowed me to move on and move forward with my life. I don't really have the energy to deal with someone who has loose ends that still need to be tied up. 

Not only that, but I just really got the sense that we want very different things out of life. Some people are fine settling for just what they think they can get. Not me. I have big plans for my life and I want to spend my time with someone who is at least half as ambitious as me. Someone that wants to go out there and make shit happen. I could down play it, but what's the point - it's who I am and it's what I want. Is it really going to be that big of a challenge to find a dude who can keep up with me, who will challenge me to constantly be better in everything I do? 

Okay a few "date rants": I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but when you ask a girl to "dinner" at 5:30pm, you should at least buy her dinner. I can only drink so much wine without substantial food before I am going to get sick. Since it was obvious he didn't want to do the dinner thing and that we were only having appetizers, I was super careful about my wine consumption. Secondly, I've never had a guy open my door and then just walk away. What's that about?! Opening the car door for a woman does include closing it once she gets in. It kind of caught me off guard as I just assumed he was going to close it and then he hopped in next to me and I realized my door was still open. Oops. Weird. And the fitness thing - "I only lift light weights for high reps because I don't want to bulk up." Deal breaker right there! Now, let me be straight: I'm not looking for a total gym rat, meathead, buff dude or anything like that. But a few things to note - even if we both know that I can out lift you, don't verbalize it. Let's just live in ignorant bliss! I don't need for you to out lift me (although I can't lie: strong is sexy!!!), but I don't really want to think about it either and I'd prefer you not point it out. 

I was glad that when I got dropped off at Russell's at the end of the night Russell was standing outside on the sidewalk which ultimately helped me dodge the "good night kiss." I managed the quick hug and dash..."Gotta go thank Russell. Thanks for the date, I'll talk to you later." I determined that I'm not willing to go out of my comfort zone for a date right now. Which basically means any new guy that wants to go out with me will have to meet me at "my" Starbucks or Russell's. I like the security of being around "my people" and feeling safe. 

While it was disappointing that this guy seemed to be really cool and was maybe someone with real dating potential, I am happy to say that my "filtering" process has greatly improved and I am quick to see when someone isn't what I'm looking for and moving on. That, in itself, is a success! And the other bonus is that I got some really sweet shoes. Thinkin' I'll have to find an occasion to wear them again next weekend. ;)

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