Saturday, April 9, 2011

Fighting Back

It's been almost 1 year exactly...6 days short. I've been thinking about it a lot lately as I see the Emerald Cup posts on Facebook from Elaine and from competitor friends. It's hard to believe that already a full year has passed yet there were days and weeks and months that seemed would never end in my post-competition aftermath. I was living in a body that did not feel like my own and it seemed that there was nothing I could do to "fix" it. Once all the medical issues cleared away about 12 weeks after the competition was over I expected my body to snap right back. One doctor told me it was going to take about a year for my metabolism to kick back in normally. A YEAR??!! Are you kidding me?!

I beat myself up for a really long time. Make no mistake, I was pissed off at myself and was definitely sending my body those negative, why-won't-you-just-do-what-I-want, messages. My poor always does whatever I ask it to do. Drop 20 pounds in a week for a competition...sure, it did that...oh yeah, and since it did me that favor it was going to have to take it's time to correct itself and get back to normal. As Dave is always quick to remind me..."For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Yup, I definitely got this message clear as day this last year. A huge lesson in balance, which I can't deny that I needed in a big way. Balance has never been one of my strengths, so I guess at age 35 it's high time I learn.

Somewhere about last October I stopped being obsessed with getting back to my body. The approach (obsession) I was taking wasn't working, so I figured I might as well try something in, don't focus on it at all. Funny what happened to my life almost as soon as I made that decision. I went out and bought a load of cheap leggings and baggy sweaters (thank God for fall when we can hide in clothes). I moved all my "skinny" jeans into my son's closet so that I wouldn't see them every time I walked into my closet and once again say to myself..."God, you were so stupid!" Yes, I said that to myself...a LOT! Removing reminders (skinny clothes) and surrendering to the situation was a big shift in my life.

By Thanksgiving my client load was really picking up. Shortly after Thanksgiving someone asked me..."Are you considering opening your own place?" As a matter of fact I 5 years. By Christmas I was sending out letters of intent on business spaces to lease for my new gym. On January 1st I signed the lease on my new gym and on February 1st started doing business in my new gym. Funny what happened when I stopped obsessing over the size of my body and what was going on in the world of my love handles.

In October I could barely squeeze into a size 10 jeans. The last time I was a size 10 was when my twins were 6 months old!! Everybody assured me I looked good..."you look normal." Oh wait, I don't want to look "normal." Normal = average and that has never been the look I've wanted to achieve. Not for anyone else, it's not an ego thing, but for me. When I look in the mirror I want to see Super Fit Chic. It's not about anyone but me. I'd been living in leggings all winter and workout clothes all February. One Saturday I decided to try on my size 6 jeans just for kicks. Last time I'd tried them I couldn't even get them over my quads. Slid right on this time! Woo hoo! By the end of March I was in my 4's...which I hadn't been in since the end of 2009!! I have no idea what I weigh right now. After I saw the scale over 170lbs I freaked out and never really wanted to look again. So when people see me and are amazed at the weight loss I can't tell them how much I've lost, but I know it's been a lot.

I surrendered and my body released everything I was fighting...and it wasn't just weight. It's certainly not coincidental that April 1st, 2010 was the day my divorce was final, 2 weeks later was the Emerald Cup...and it seemed my world fell apart after all that. But it really didn't, not at all. This year has been such a learning experience for me and a chance for me to regroup and re-evaluate: Who am I? What do I want in life? And what I learned...

I'm not just a mom. I'm not just a body. I'm not just a figure competitor. I have dreams and I want to use my passion for fitness and nutrition to make a difference in other people's lives. For all the times I said aloud, wrote in a text and thought it in my head: "God, this sucks" while I was going through my "body crisis" this last was so very worth it.

Dear Universe...I've learned my lesson. No need to send that one my way again!! Gotcha...loud and clear!

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