Sunday, March 6, 2011

Sometimes I Wonder...Who You'd Be Today

I'll never forget. Ever. And every year at this time I remember, vividly, clearly, precisely...the moments, the words, all the little details of each event that lead to the culmination of the moment of saying goodbye to a child that would never live in this world, a dream that was never meant to be a reality.

In those moments, when it was all happening to me, it seemed like the pain would never end, that this hole in my heart would never heal. But now, 6 years later, looking back the pain has subsided and the whole event has faded into a distant memory. That said, a don't think a day ever goes by that I don't recall that child, that dream that never came to be. "She" is never far from my mind.

Now that my divorce is final and it's been nearly a year...almost 2 years now that I've been single, I look at this whole experience much differently. I look back to a day that was by far, one of the most emotionally painful in my life, and see a husband who wasn't there, who didn't care. Signs were everywhere. It was the loneliest time in my life. The morning of my D&C was a very busy morning at work for my husband, so he was unable to stay with me during my surgery. And he was not able to come back after it was over and take me home. Fortunately, I had a wonderful friend who was by my side the entire time. I don't think I realized how much this hurt me until the birth of our twin daughters 17 months later when he left me in the hospital with two newborns 3 hours after delivery and overnight because, well, it was "boring." Alone again at what I considered a really important moment in my our lives. 

As I look back now, I am actually relieved for that child...knowing what I know now. My heart often hurts for my kids because of the situation they're in. I knew before I left that I would mostly be parenting alone, but I guess there was that part of me that hoped and prayed that maybe things would be different. I do believe that people do the best they can. I have to believe that my ex is doing the best that he knows how. Unfortunately, I also believe that we are a product of our environments and his environment was not conducive to teaching a person to grow up to be a loving parent. It is what it is.

I am filled with relief and with gratitude for the short time I got to carry that little life. In my loneliness when no one in my "real" world could understand or relate to what I was going through, I met a most amazing network of women who supported me, cried with me, loved me and encouraged me during the emotional months of trying again and then through a challenging twin pregnancy that followed. I am so blessed to call so many of these women my good friends still today. As we have all moved on with life, we are still connected by this common thread that only sisters of loss can understand.

I have learned that there is a gift in every experience in life. As painful as this experience was for me, it has greatly shaped the person I am today. It has made me think differently, feel differently, love differently.

"She wants to dress me in pink, paints my bedroom blue, and I just laugh to myself cause only I know the truth."

March 9, 2005

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